Selectively Bred "Super Cattle" Sparks Interest

April 16th, 2020
David Lewis, for the Nightly North Shore News

Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of meeting and speaking with local Massachusetts farmer Dmitri Gavrill Petrikov about his new breed of “Super Cattle,” showcased at the Frights and Fun Festival this past October. It is not every day that a livestock show makes big enough waves to appear in national news, but we Salemites know how to put on a show! And that skill might finally be paying off as his hard work has apparently attracted some scouts from Demeterian Goods, the largest agribusiness company in North America. 
Seeing Petrikov’s Super Cattle for the first time was an experience I’ll never forget. Babushka, Petrikov’s prized cow, was a staggering seven feet tall with bulging muscles, thick veins, tattoos, stark white skin and a piercing gaze. It was like looking into the eyes of an ancient god of lactation. I think the tattoo was a brand put on Babushka by Petrikov, but it added to the intimidation, for sure. 
This humble reporter wasn’t the only one touched by this creature. The rest of the festival-goers were milked for as much wonder as they could give; dazzled to our cores. But for what reason was Babushka raised? Petrikov stated on his blog that the purpose of his Super Cattle is to generate a source of meat with a considerably lower fat content. Given the wildly bizarre appearance of Babushka and several of his pigs, I assumed that we were not getting the whole story. I asked Petrikov what his motives were, curious to see if he had any ulterior motives beyond winning “Most Outlandishly Weird Cow.” 

“Truthfully, I bred this specific cattle entirely on accident. “ He explained

“An accident? All of them?” I asked

“Well no, not this group specifically. But this breed was an accident several years back.” 

“How on Earth did you manage that?”

“It would take quite a while to get into the specifics, but I had been selectively breeding cattle for decades. The rest of the House and I trying to isolate a specific bovine blood group that wasn’t harmful to Vampires”. 

(For those who are not familiar, Petrikov is a member of the House Gavrill, a centuries-old family of vampires living just north of Salem. They are an information-driven family that has been curating scientific knowledge since the 1790s, and for the past hundred or so years, Petrikov has been contributing to the research of DNA and more recently, genetic experimentation.)

He continues:

“Any self-respecting vampire will tell you that Synthetic Blood is barely a substitute for the real thing, you know, so we were trying to discover a natural alternative in cows.”

“Ah I see. So you were looking for a blood mutation?”

“In a sense. In a truer sense, we gene-spliced them, trying to get them to produce blood with a human essence. Instead, however, the new blood reacted with their muscles making an incredibly dense meat which, while not useful to Vampires in the slightest, might be far healthier for Humans!”

Petrikov did not seem hopeful that his cattle would ever be easier to look at, but it appears that the mutation that the Gavrill House was able to isolate is applicable to most livestock. In the weeks following the showing, New England District Manager Debbie Hill, of Demeterian Goods apparently reached out to the Gavrill House offering to employ Salemite farmers to raise a generation of Gavrill Super Cattle for consumer testing. 
When reached for a comment, Petrikov said that he was unsure if he wanted to market his “botched” genetic experiment, but seemed excited at the prospect of boosting local business. 
More tests need to be done to see if Babushka’s meat is safe for humans in the longrun, but it seems likely that we could be seeing her on shelves within the next couple of years. 

Football Players To Play All 2020 Games Through Astral Projection

April 9th, 2020
David Lewis, for the Nightly North Shore News

Touch Football has been a staple of American sports culture for generations, but through the power of magic and spiritualism, could we begin to see a thrilling but non-violent new sport emerge? A “No-Touch Football” if you will?

It seems that this future might be closer on the horizon than we once thought, as the popular Rhode Island Football team The Providence Púca’s have just announced that they will be playing the next season entirely through astral projection. Coach Paul Mitchell, who has been experimenting with new training techniques since his appointment as team leader two seasons ago, has stated that this unorthodox method of playing football could usher in a bright new era in the world of sports. Reportedly after losing several star players to concussions earlier this year, Mitchell wanted to discover a safer way to play the sport and turned to spiritualism for answers. 

The practice started as a fun way to experiment with playing the game, but it quickly turned into a trend that spread north through Massachusetts. In fact, Local Salemite teams have even agreed to play astrally as well due to some current situations making in-person games difficult. 

While some are praising this new tactic, including leading members of the Rhode Island Enchanter’s Guild, others have been far more critical of this move, citing the extreme difficulty of astral projection and the dangers it presents. Jonas Fasenello, Coach of the rival Warwick Warlocks, has publicly bashed the decision to play through astral projection, saying that it requires many years of practice for witches to master, let alone football players who are mostly, according to local statistics, not witches. Fasenello went on to accuse Mitchell of only making this decision with the intention of rendering it impossible for opponents to actually play against them, thus securing a place in the local championships.  

When reached for a comment on this accusation, Mitchell did not respond. I was informed that Coach Mitchell and his team have been spending most of their time in the astral plane to sharpen their projection skills through near constant practice. I visited the field where they were allegedly playing in order to interview the team first-hand, but their corporeal bodies were mostly unresponsive. This humble reporter is not a skilled astral projector, but I was able to pop in and out of their current realm long enough to ask what their plan was to compete against physical teams. 

Mitchell responded by conveying:

“This was a... [inaudible - 4 seconds]... wizard who told me to spend years... [inaudible - 6 seconds]... thing in here with [inaudible - 3 seconds - deafening drum rhythm - 12 seconds]... bodies and souls like a fun… [inaudible - 8 seconds]... players do this! Don’t [inaudible - 1 second] play regular football! [followed by what appeared to be some kind of cheering in another language for the next 30 seconds]”

It was at this point that his body’s nose began gushing blood and I called him an ambulance. The other players were not moved from their meditation spots, and are likely still practicing and staying loyal to their coach as he returns to consciousness. Admittedly, it was my lack of astral projection skills that prevented me from gleaming more answers out of Mitchell, but it does seem like his new version of the game could take years of practice, require more training for your body and possibly your soul, and that it sounds like a lot of fun. Of course, his message is left up to interpretation. 

It should be an interesting season, either way! Hopefully all of you sports fans won’t be too put off by this experimental new form of gameplay. 

"AB Negative" Blood Flavor is reportedly in production

December 8th, 2019
Ewan Taylor, for WTCH Radio 

If sources are to be believed, it would seem that Vampires may finally be getting the long-awaited AB Neg blood substitute. 
Blood is something near and dear to most of us, but especially to Vampires. For decades, companies from all over the planet have been working tirelessly to develop synthetic blood for our Vampire friends and neighbors. In the early days, the primary directive of these companies was to make a substitute for Human blood that would sustain a vampire without them needing to touch a human vein or buy from hospitals. Early experiments included failed attempts to sustain cell division outside the body, and of course the infamous Cattle Blood Cocktails which caused physical mutations in all who drank too much of it.
          Nowadays however, we have developed a synthetic base formula that sustains vampires almost as well as human blood. With this formula at the public's disposal, it became a race to develop a blood substitute that not only sustained a Vampire, but that tasted like the real thing and was cheap to produce. 
Plenty of different companies have created their own brands, many of which you can still find on the shelves today. However, the two biggest players have been Synthe, which has been developing substitutes since 1985, and I Can't Believe It's Not Human, which came crashing into the scene in 1996, not only with replicative flavors, but innovative new concoctions such as What's Up White Blood Cells and Insanely Immunocompromised (since discontinued). 

          Since ICBINH's introduction, the company has been subject to many controversies, often getting caught using illegal ingredients for their human substitutes. Nevertheless, customers regularly returned to them, and they have consistently been neck-and-neck with their comparator Synthe, which has been steadily losing out in market sales. This is seemingly due to their lack of new flavors, although SyntheBucks cafes have proven very popular with younger Vampires. 
As innovative as these companies have gotten in their rivalry, however, neither has been able to attain the Holy Grail of Synthetic Blood: AB Negative. AB Neg is the rarest human blood type, and has a flavor that has thus far been non-replicable by scientists or mages. Many have tried, specifically Synthe and ICBINH in this case, mostly by creating mixtures Synthetic Base with safely diluted animal bloods. Of course, this almost always results in an awfully bitter flavor and ruffles the feathers of PETA protesters. 
Pure human AB Negative blood is not only a rare commodity, but is widely considered to be the most delectable blood type, so much so that Blood Donation centers and even some Thrall Halls are willing to pay large sums of money to human clients in that group. So, developing a synthetic substitute has been the finish line for these companies for a very long time, and both Synthe and ICBINH development firms have been at the forefront of the research.
Unfortunately, neither company has been able to fabricate the flavor in these nearly 25 years. However, if sources are to be believed, ICBINH may have finally beaten Synthe to the punch, and will reveal the new flavor during a press conference next Wednesday. While nothing is confirmed, we do have evidence of a new product patent of a redacted formula, filed for I Can't Believe It's Not Human.
We have yet to hear from CEO Mike Parker regarding the rumors, but should they be true, this would mean that the race to fabricate synthetic AB Neg will be over once and for all. Given ICBINHs history, it is unlikely that they will share the flavor recipe, but we do hope that competitor companies can catch up soon.

The Frights and Fun Festival Breakdown

November 25th, 2019
Ewan Taylor, for WTCH Radio

For the first time in over 30 years, Salem’s Frights and Fun Festival has returned to grace us all with a selection of fair rides, educational displays, games, and food. While a departure from the fairs of the past, many will agree that’s a good thing. So, if you missed it, or were too nervous to approach, here’s how it all went.

Upon first arriving at the fair, one felt immediately drawn to the massive parade floats, set up around Salem Common in preparation. Each was decorated wonderfully, with some embodying a theme, such as the Will-O-The-Wisp float, which was designed as a wooden boat surrounded by beautifully dancing enchanted lights and staffed by a cloaked ferryman. Other floats were set up as almost the kind one would see at Pride, and some acted as advertisements, with one particular float sporting a large “Spellmart Presents Halloween” sign atop it. There, children were able to try individual candies, light sparkle-wands, and have their photo taken with the float’s mascot, Samuel the Scarecrow. This last bit eventually caused a fair amount of confusion by the end of the second night. 

As one entered the festival proper, they were greeted by the sounds of music, laughter, and games. An actual ferris wheel rose above the Common, rooted to the ground with steel reinforcements, much to the appreciation of most of the older folks I watched pass by. Many tried to impress their dates by attempting the “Test Your Strength” hammer game, only to miss by a sometimes embarrassing distance. Others were able to hit the bell on their first try, and, according to one staffer, this was due to the enchantment on the game being “a little judgy” about who succeeds on the first attempt. While I’m normally one for fair play, even I have to say how fun it was to watch a college aged man be absolutely trounced by a small boy who couldn’t have been out of elementary school. He then went into a tirade about how “fucking rigged” the game was until festival security escorted him away from the area. The man refused to give his name for reference in this article. 

As the group I was with milled about the food area, testing the various food truck cuisines under the watchful eye of Salem PD, I caught up with Sarah McKnight, Chancellor of the Essex County Enchanter’s Guild, and organizer of the whole festival. She’d just finished up a small lecture on the cause of the original Salem Witch Trials, entitled “Ergo, Ergot.” I’m honestly disappointed I missed it, but according to a few witches I know, it was very informative, if a little dry. Sarah was only able to stay for a bit, as other duties pulled her all over the festival grounds, but she informed us as to some of the goings-on behind the scenes. 

“Really, it’s all a much larger turnout than I expected. We’ve got so many entries into the Pageant that we’ve had to add a full half hour to it. I had to drag some of the enchanters away from portal duty to help expand the stage. On the plus side, we got almost no protestors. There’s only a couple of people around the pavilion with picket signs.” She then checked her phone, exclaimed “Merlin’s fucking beard!” and rushed off, telling us to enjoy the festival. 

In reaching out to her after the festival, we found that she’d run off to deal with a problem regarding the haunted house. The tent setup, boasting two dozen terrifying scenes, had been a bit too scary, with a Vlad Tepes impersonator setting up realistic illusions of impaled bodies along one of the hallways. After receiving several complaints, staffers shut down the attraction temporarily as the scene was redecorated, the actor replaced, and the police sweeping the area to see if anything actually malevolent had been afoot. The actor, Jonah Halloway, was banned from the festival for the rest of its run this year. The attraction had been rated for ages 12+. Thankfully, of the children who went through, only a few were seriously upset. 

The scariest thing I saw in the haunted house after it was set up was a fortune teller machine. It produced a fortune made to appeal to one’s deepest fears. 

Mine foretold being stuck in traffic with my ex on I-95 for three hours. 

A bit too close to home, there, haunted house.

By far, the most impressive attraction was the portal to the Infinite Corn Maze. The gate was about fifteen feet high, held open by a runed standing archway and a rotating shift of enchanters constantly crafting wards through the night. Only a few of my party chose to pass through, the rest staying behind to check out some more of the rides, the food, or the bands playing in the pavilion. 

Passing through the gate left one in a slightly chilly area, with corn fields as far as the eye could see. The corn itself wasn’t actually edible to any of us, due to some anomalous properties. As you entered, you were given a small cloth wristband, enchanted to act as a safety device, which Sarah talked about in our recent interview. Staff members were gathered in a ten meter clearing at the entrance to the maze, serving hot cider, maintaining the corn labyrinth, and acting as security. We were told again how the area around the gate was cleared of Stalk Walkers through use of spells and thermal scanning, but we were told to beware “other ghosts and ghouls that haunt this maze of maize”. 

That remark earned a few groans from my friends, but informed us of the various spooky vignettes and characters that we would run into as we made our way through. Some of them chased us about, but not for too long. In total, our time in the Infinite Corn Maze was about twenty-five minutes, including two attempts to find the end and having some refreshments. We were able to exit without much trouble. 

Trouble would, however, find the Festival after the first night. As the celebration went on, there started to be more and more reports of strangeness among the corn fields. People were chased out, in good fun, they thought, by groups of tall, gangly men dressed as scarecrows who were chased off by security around the exit portal. Sometimes people would turn around to find that the path they’d just walk down was nothing but thickly packed rows of corn where there had previously been none. Occasionally groups of people would leave with one more or one less in their party, or, troublingly, having changed who was wearing what costume.

All hell broke loose when the staffers finally realized that a pack of stalk walkers had somehow made it out of the exit and entrance portals, having burrowed straight through it. Salem PD worked tirelessly afterwards, retrieving all the participants lost inside the maze, which rapidly began shifting, and hunting down all the stalk walkers that had made it out.

The following is the latest from Salem PD:

“Our officers appreciate the volunteers who have stepped forward to assist us in hunting down the last of the Stalk Walkers and returning them to the gate. However, we ask that all citizens stay inside at night and ensure their homes and all outbuildings are kept locked and clear at all times. If you do not feel comfortable clearing your own property, you can call upon an officer or trooper to do so for you. Be aware that Stalk Walkers are not strong on their own, but generally act as a pack and can be dangerous when cornered. If you spot any scarecrows where there were none before, call it in to us using the emergency hotline.”

Despite this ongoing trouble, a survey conducted by the Essex County Enchanter’s Guild shows extremely favorable reviews, with about 90% at last check wanting to bring it back again on an annual basis. 

Beavermoon Aftermath

November 14th, 2019
David Lewis, in association with Nightly North Shore News and WTCH Radio

The Following is a followup to a PSA posted to our podcast
As everybody knows, the full moon is a special time of the month in which many of our friends and family known as the ‘Werefolk’ undergo a brief transformation, turning into a beast of prey for anywhere between one and three nights. The November Moon is an especially fascinating one however, as it is the only time of the year in which the Werebeaver population can fully transform into large mammalian creatures between 1.5 and 2.7 meters in length (5 and 9 feet respectively), with large teeth capable of biting through entire tree trunks with ease. 

The November Moon has started to wane, and with it we see the annual transformation of the Werebeavers pass us by. Thankfully, there have been no casualties to report in the city of Salem, Massachusetts, as most of our citizens followed the proper safety precautions and remained out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, there has been some excess flooding in local areas do to the impromptu damming. There have also been reports of buildings on the outskirts of the city being torn down for extra wood, and a not insignificant portion of some local forests have been devoured. Locally, the most extensive dam-based damage has been isolated to Strongwater Brook, North River and Forest River. However just north of us, the East Wing of Bishop Fenwick High School has been submerged by up to 3 feet of water rerouted from Crane River. While this is not a new occurrence, reports are in that parts of the infrastructure have been irreversibly damaged.

A small group of Werebeavers known as the Salem Splinters were found at the base of a large dam, having a small campfire cookout before returning to their daily lives. The dam itself was impressively constructed, reaching over three meters in height, and being held together with all manner of strong wooden objects, as well as an entire 2015 Ford Ranger on the west side. 

I met with Caldwell Novorich, the self proclaimed “chief architect” (something of a pack leader among Werebeavers), before Essex County Damage Control Unit arrived to tear the dam down. He had yet to find his clothing, but was content to sit down with me, naked in the cold November air with a cup of hot coffee, to talk about the road flooding and what that might mean for work-commutes in the coming days. 

“What a work of art! I tell ya, I’ve been changing like this for over 50 years now and I think
this is the best November Dam I’ve ever seen. It’s holding back the whole damn river!” said
Russo, clearly proud of the work he and his pack had done. 

“It’s certainly impressive. But as I mentioned before, such a prodigious structure like this is
going to be causing a lot of issues for city travel, and possibly damage a lot of local
infrastructure if not properly undone. I understand this annual project is important to you and
your pack, but do you regret not taking precautions to stay away from wooded areas, or
at least keep the project away from the city?”

“Ah Hell, people will get over it. They always do. Besides, just look at the craftsmanship of
the thing! I tell ya, [Brian Aurbach, the previous Chief Architect] never coulda organized
something like this!”

“Mr. Novorich, don’t you drive a Ford Pickup to get to work at the farmers market?”

“Kid, I can make due just fine taking back roads while they clean up this beauty. So long as
I get a picture to frame, I don’t rightly see the problem.”

“No, I mean I think I see your car being used as a support beam over there.”

“What are you- OH HELL!”

Caldwell then ran off towards the central bonfire shouting expletives at the rest of the group. 

While a bit more extreme than last year’s Beavermoon, damages like this were predicted, and the ESDCU claims to have the situation completely under control. Expect road closures around any running bodies of water, and be sure to look online to find out which areas of your town may have been affected.